Okay, so it's gone a little wrong. We'll go for a quicker version first for those short of time and the more detailed one after, if you have an hour or so to spare.
Shorter version
- woke up on Tuesday, Chris actually found the local shops open! to get bread and milk and supplies while Andy packed the tent.
- had breakfast, loaded up the van and set off before ten to get fuel (thanks to Bongos thirst) and navigated around Paris (scary/mad/scary/mental/scary) and made it to the A1 toll that goes from north of Paris to Calais. Bongo juddering all the way.
- got about 20k when we got bang, thud, clatter clatter clatter, thud at about 120kph, clattered over to hard shoulder and deposited a prop shaft component on said hard shoulder. Bum.
- got towed to garage, AA recovery decided had to repatriate Bongo to fix as too dead to repair in France and give us hire car to get home.
- we got hire car, eventually, French man in no hurry, moved loads of stuff from Bongo in hire car, drove to Calais to swap hire cars (see long version).
- missed ferry, got on next one, next one canceled, got put on one next moring so stayed in Calais - lovely, comfy, lovely, bed
- took ferry, stopped by customs on way off ferry, drove up to Conitson in the Lake district, drank nice real ale.
- have to go to Edinburgh on Thursday to return hire car, will dump stuff/pick up stuff and go to hide in Gairloch for a while.
- Bongo may make it back in a couple of weeks...
Longer Version
We woke up on Tuesday. Okay,so far the same as the short version but you know, that's how it is. The weather was a little moist, not raining all the time but not not raining all of the time either. Chris managed to get to the mysterious Boulangerie and local shop that we had never previously seen open and got some milk, bread and of course pain au chocolat to power us through the day. Andy packed the fairly wet tent up into the van and after breakfast and showers we got ready to head for Calais. Chris went to check out and although we were close to Paris this turned out to be one of the cheaper places we'd stayed in and even got given tshirts when we left. How bizarre, but kind of cool. We'd given ourselves a huge amount of time to make the ferry, with about 7 hours to cover the 3 hour journey so we could stop and cool the van and try to nurse it back to the UK. The first minor problem was that we were staying south of Paris and had to go north, so a trip around the capital was called for.
First things first we had to refuel as the Bongo was less than a quarter tank full and thanks to the issues it was experiencing a tank only got us about 400k. We trusted the satnav to guide us to a station and it chose this time to send us down a dead end just for a laugh. We managed to come across a station and refuel and set on our way. And what a way. If you've never driven around Paris in busy traffic then it is an experience you may want to try just to see how good your nerves are. Lanes go this way and that, you need to be very careful not to be in a lane that suddenly takes you in completely the wrong way and there's lots of concrete, no hard shoulders and loads of serious repair works to congest things a little further. And had we talked about the traffic and the driving? Mad as mad folk in madsville, driving in a mad manner. When lanes join from left and right sides and the van you are driving is shaking all the time (maybe it was just intimidated?) it took a lot of concentration and Andy spent most of this part of the journey with his eyes closed and he was driving.
We made it to the A1 which is the motorway toll that you can then pretty much take you all the way to Calais and went through the toll to get the ticket. Woohoo, thought us, only 230k until we get to Calais and then at least we can get to the UK before anything breaks. The woohooing lasted for about 20k at which point there was a loud bang followed by a load thud from under the van succeeded by clattering and badness. We had been travelling at around 120kph in the middle lane of the three lane motorway, luckily with little traffic around we managed to drive over to the hard shoulder. At this point the van threw another fit, in this instance in the form of a piece of drive shaft, into the lane and we came to a halt. Both Andy and Chris both came to the same conclusion that we may have a minor technical issue with the van at this point. Yellow vests on we collected the Bongo component (still warm) from the lane and put out the warning triangle. Now motorways in France are looked after by the police, so even with the AA cover we have to get the authorities to tow us off the toll road before the AA can intervene. 140 Euros straight off. Merde. We noticed that about 500 metres up the road was one of the emergency phone things, so we crawled the Bongo up the hard shoulder (well, two wheels on the grass verge to the side) to the phone which meant it was further from the road too, so good stuff. In case it seems odd that the van moved it is (was) 4WD. It looks like the transfer box seized and the front part of the drive shaft to the rear wheels sheared off, leaving the rest of it (about two thirds from the universal joint rearwards) flailing. Andy spoke to the big metallic speaker in the emergency point to the French lady at the other end with details (so easy to hear, right next to a motorway) while Chris got the pastries she'd bought in the morning from the van so we sat on the verge eating great pain au chocolat watching the world, and working campervans :o( pass by.
The guy with the truck turned up within half an hour and Chris explained to him in French what the problem was. He just shrugged in a Gallic manner, obviously thinking "She's a woman. And she doesn't speak good French. She obviously is talking rubbish." His face was a picture however, mouth wide open with cigar stuck to the corner of his lips, when Andy retrieved the shorn drive shaft as further explanation at which point he straight away got the van onto the truck. Chris made a mental note to learn the French for "See? I told you!" We were taken about 10k to a garage and unloaded, we called the AA and the mechanic spoke to them too, after which they decided it needed to get repatriated back to the UK. It works out like this; if they can fix it for less than it costs to get it and us back to the UK they will, otherwise they get a replacement vehicle for us and bring the van back separately.
So the AA tell us they will arrange for a Mondeo estate for us, and will send a taxi to take us to the car hire depot to pick it up. So far, so good (all things considered!). The taxi took a wee while, but it was still looking ok for us to catch the ferry we were booked onto. Then we got to Avis. Considering they knew we were coming, you would think that it would be a fairly quick process. Oh no. It took absolutely ages. Neither of us can work out what took him so long. Then, the fax the AA were supposed to send with details of how we change cars at Calais (to go from a left hand drive to a right hand drive car) hadn't arrived. So Andy phones the AA again, and it turns out the Avis fax machine isn't working. Nice of him to tell us in the first place. We eventually get going, but by now worried that the van will have been taken to another garage, as this was due to happen within an hour, and we had been longer than that. We were relieved to find it still where we had left it, so we took out as much stuff as we thought we would need, and could easily fit into the car, and took the bikes off the back of the van and put them inside it :o( Andy called the AA again to find out what to do with the van keys and whilst still on the phone, a tow truck turns up, seemingly from the right garage. The tow truck driver blabbed something, patted his truck, got in it and drove off! We tried to talk to people in the garage but weren't getting very far, so Andy phoned the AA (again!), explained what had happened, and passed the phone to a lady from garage so he could explain to her in French. So she took the key and off we went. At last. However, we had absolutely no chance of getting the ferry now, so Andy called SeaFrance a little later to explain both our missing the ferry and the different car we were now in, and was assured it would be fine.
On our way long the motorway, a engine malfunction message appeared on the hire car display. Luckily it disappeared again, and the car was still going, so we persevered and hoped for the best. And so we get to Calais, find our way to the right area to swap the cars over, and Chris took a call from the French arm of the AA who had a woman from the Calais car place on the phone wandering how long we would be. 5 or 10 mins says Chris, and in a 3 way half-English-half-French conversation, she was given directions. Except a "turn left" was lost in translation, and we spent about 20 minutes driving round and round an industrial estate before finally finding the place. Then the Mondeo estate we had been promised turned out to be an Insignia saloon. Hardly the same thing. Fortunately it has a massive boot, so we still managed to get all our stuff in and left for the ferry. The SeaFrance lady Andy had spoken to had said that the ferries had been delayed, and when we arrived, they didn't even blink at our very late arrival and our campervan having turned into a saloon car, and said the next sailing was at 9:30. Fantastic, we thought. We had been parked for a short while when staff started walking around the waiting area and we heard them say the dreaded words "The sailing has been cancelled". The next one wasn't until 11:30 which would, of course, not get us into Dover until 11:45pm UK time, and we would have nowhere to stay (being van-less, as we were). So we asked them if we could get a ferry the next morning instead, which surprised them, but were told yes, just take our voucher to the ticket office which was beside the exit and we would be able to change the booking. So we headed for the exit, and ended up on the road that takes you out of the ferry area altogether, watching it disappear behind us with no way to get back. So we drove into Calais itself, planning to go round the first roundabout and back again. Except, Andy being understandably frazzled, decided a different exit that would take us further towards the town centre looked like more fun, so a bit of dodgy u-turning later, we got round that roundabout and drove back to the ferry terminal. Just a 15km journey to travel about 100m. However, we did manage to book ourselves onto a ferry the following morning, and went back into Calais centre and found a Holiday Inn. Some much needed beer, food and wine later, and we felt better. And we slept in a lovely, big, comfy, wonderful, fabulous bed. And had a bath. Bliss!
Not wanting to take any chances, we got back to the ferry terminal in loads of time, and finally got on board. And reached Dover. Thank goodness, we think. As we drove off the ferry, a warning code comes up on the car display! Then, we are leaving the ferry port, we get pulled over at Customs. No joke. The car we had been given was brand new (only 8 miles on the clock when we picked it up!), and they were suspicious. Particularly when we said we had been in France for a couple of months - so how did we have a 60 registration car? And we couldn't find the hire paperwork quickly, having taken it into the hotel with us the night before to be on the safe side rather than leave it in the car. The fact that we whipped the boot open without hesitation and started pulling bags out probably showed that we had nothing to hide (not to mention not having space to smuggle a cat never mind a person). The customs guy was actually really nice, particularly when we explained what had happened, as he had once broken down on a French motorway and had to have his car repatriated so was very sympathetic to our plight. We found the paperwork, and were waved on our way. By this time Chris found the section in the car manual with the error codes, and it said Attempted Theft, so we decided it was probably due to being tilted around by the ferry and ignored it.
We decided to break the journey up with an overnight stop at Coniston as it is always a lovely spot to stop at. At third time of asking we found a non-extortionate B&B to stay at (actually very nice indeed with another well comfy bed) and headed off to the pub for some great food and great beer - real ale at last! Andy commiserated Bongo behaviour with some Bluebirds, an Old Man and a Dizzy Blonde. Well, you've got to take it where you can :o)
Back to sunny Scotland Thursday, our adventures on hold until New Zealand at the end of November. We'll find out from the Bongo doctor in a few weeks what the long term diagnosis is; until then it is time to relax in Gairloch.
To be continued in seven weeks...
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